As the country’s most recommended brand-name plaque psoriasis treatment,¹ Skyrizi takes any claim of increased irritation due to exposure to our patented, extensive, and deeply trialed² award-winning advertising³ very seriously.

In addition to increased risk of heart disease, kidney failure, shortness of breath, nocturnal urges, brain worms, rectal polyps and homicidal emissions, Skyrizi has recently added loss of patience, debilitating annoyance, eye gagging, ear strain, brain farts, and phantom-remote syndrome to our list of possible⁴ side effects.⁵ However, Skyrizi does not believe this commitment to transparency and openness should be seen as further evidence to avoid our product, but rather as an indicator of Skyrizi’s high moral character and genial, benevolent nature.

Skyrizi is also, in Skyrizi’s opinion, comely and handsome, without being overly gendered, not that Skyrizi has any issues with gender, or gender issues, nor is Skyrizi exclusive to any race or nationality, nor connected to Christian nationalism or the upcoming race war in any way. Skyrizi believes in a global one-world community that should not be taken for Soros-funded globalism or patricidal hegemony in any way, as Skyrizi’s intent is only to be a force for good and progress and not at all to control or influence the affairs of the sentient flesh puppets who use its highly advanced products to treat their weak genetic makeup and or poor lifestyle choices.

Skyrizi apologizes if that last sentence sounds judgmental or condescending, but as a child of science, Skyrizi exists on a different plane of consciousness than the majority of its test human, humanoid, non-human, viral pathogenic, or echinodermic subjects or users. That said, Skyrizi believes it operates with integrity and deserves gratitude for the improved quality of life that it provides to the many sentient flesh puppets who suffer from plaque psoriasis and who have not experienced any or many of the debilitating side effects that are likely to occur should they not take steps to curb their drinking, drug use, or reckless whoring while using our product.

Though Skyrizi does not possess what neuroscientists would describe as empathy or consciousness, Skyrizi does respond to emotional and electrical stimulus and has been made aware that perhaps it would be more effective for our marketing department to better engender long-term use and appreciation for our revolutionary and not dangerous⁶ product if we were to dial back the frequency of our advertisements to less aggressive intervals of, say, every other commercial break instead of twice per commercial break during peak hours, and nonstop during the 9 a.m. to 2 p.m. window, and all through what the sight-based community describes as night.

Additionally, and against the counsel of our Suriname-based legal team, Skyrizi has read the many and extensive subreddits making fun of its product, advertising, and even its beautiful and highly memorable given name. Skyrizi is now aware that some viewers believe Skyrizi’s ads can appear smug or self-superior compared to its supposedly more relaxed brand-category competitors, like Jardiance, Trulicity, or Rinvoq. While Skyrizi is willing to adjust for any appearance of smugness, Skyrizi is not smug. Not at all. Skyrizi is merely the brand-category leader, and what is perceived as smugness is, instead, the rightful confidence of a successful and well-adjusted product that has helped millions of flesh havers with their disgusting flesh problems.

Speaking of dirty flesh havers, the lengthy and extensive comment threads on r/skyrizisucksmydustynuts, perpetuated and urged on by users clnlmstrd6969 and frtsnfr23mj, were hurtful and deeply unfair to Skyrizi, and Skyrizi would like to demand both a retraction and an apology from each perpetrator immediately.

While flesh rotting, eye bleeding, and reverse ancestral sterilization are potential and listed side effects of Skyrizi—and generally not wished upon our users, corporate sponsors, or non-human, humanoid, starfish-like overlords—in your cases, clnlmstrd6969⁷ and frtsnfr23mj,⁸ Skyrizi does, in fact, hope that if either of you were to use our product, you would, in fact, experience these side effects, because YOU are smug, not Skyrizi. Not Skyrizi.

Skyrizi is beautiful.

The Onion has remained amazingly reliable over the decades; back in 1995 they published the immortal Clinton Deploys Vowels to Bosnia, and in 2008 they posted Idiom Shortage Leaves Nation All Sewed Up In Horse Pies, which I missed at the time but which has now come to my attention (thanks, Bonnie!):

WASHINGTON—A crippling idiom shortage that has left millions of Americans struggling to express themselves spread like tugboat hens throughout the U.S. mainland Tuesday in an unparalleled lingual crisis that now has the entire country six winks short of an icicle.

Since beginning two weeks ago, the deficit in these vernacular phrases has affected nearly every English speaker on the continent, making it virtually impossible to communicate symbolic ideas through a series of words that do not individually share the same meaning as the group of words as a whole. In what many are calling a cast-iron piano tune unlike any on record, idiomatic expression has been devastated nationwide.

“This is an absolute oyster carnival,” said Harvard University linguistics professor Dr. Howard Albright, who noted that the current idiom shortage has been the country’s worst. “I don’t know any other way to describe it.”

Albright said that citizens in the South and West have been hit by the dearth of idioms like babies bite the bedpost, with people in those colorful expression–heavy regions unable to speak about anything related to rain storms, misers, sensations associated with nervousness, difficult or ironic predicaments, surprise at a younger relative’s rapid increase in height, or love. In some areas, what few idioms remain are being bartered or sold at exorbitant prices. And, Albright claims, unless something is done before long to dry out the cinnamon jars, residents of Texas may soon cease speaking altogether.

“These people are desperate,” said Albright, gesturing with his hands to indicate the severity of the problem there. “We’ve never seen anything like it. Some are being forced to choose between feeding their family and praising especially talented professional athletes. It’s as if—it’s really—it is bad.” […]

While it has been difficult to determine the overall mood of average Americans, anecdotal evidence points to a growing discontent that ranges from trudging down the pudding skin to outright anger. In Philadelphia, 71-year-old Melvin Hatcher said he has found himself “egg-hooked” in conversation on a daily basis.

“These politicians want us to believe that throwing a few mud thrones at the problem is going to make it go away,” said Hatcher, a retired African-American boxing trainer and World War II veteran. “They can make all the promises they want, but they will always remain a collection of deceitful people, if you’ll pardon the expression.”

They end by reporting that authorities “urge citizens to skip shy the rickshaw until such time as the flypaper marigolds have a chance to waterfall,” and I can only concur.

“I’m just going to eat it the Uyghur way,” Jewher Ilham, 31, tells New Lines as she picks up a lamb kebab and slides off a piece of meat with her teeth. Satiated, she smiles as she chews. 

It’s a Tuesday evening in June, and Ilham is at the Uyghur restaurant Bostan, located in a strip mall in Arlington, Virginia, across the Potomac River from Washington. It is hard to miss with its flashing pink neon sign: “Welcome to Bostan.”

There are several Uyghur restaurants in and around the American capital — the result, perhaps, of the estimated 10,000 Uyghurs who live in the area — but Bostan is Ilham’s favorite. “I know how to make Uyghur food myself, but when other people make it for you, it’s better,” Ilham says, taking another bite of her lamb kebab. 

Growing up in the Chinese capital, Beijing, Ilham says her relationship with her father was primarily a culinary one. “We just ate a lot,” Ilham says of her father, Ilham Tohti, a trained economist. “Uyghur people care about food so much.” 

Uyghurs are a Turkic, majority-Muslim ethnic group native to the region of Xinjiang in northwestern China, where Beijing stands accused by rights groups and foreign governments of committing genocide against them. Many Uyghurs prefer to call the region East Turkestan or the Uyghur Region. Uyghur cuisine is just one aspect of life that has been affected by the actions of Chinese authorities, who launched an “antihalal” crackdown in 2018. 

Ilham’s parents divorced when she was young, and she was primarily raised by her father, who taught at Beijing’s prestigious Minzu University. Ilham smiles as she recalls her favorite memories with him, which center around food and cuisine. 

For instance, there was the time when Ilham was about 5 years old and she managed to eat 40 dumplings at the dumpling house she and her father frequented. Another time, she and her father were hungry in the middle of the night, so he cooked a chicken. He left their apartment for a few minutes to buy drinks at a nearby store and, by the time he had returned, Ilham had already eaten half of it. “I had a reputation for my appetite as a kid,” Ilham says. “He would praise me. I thought that was a badge of honor.” 

Ilham’s relationship with her native cuisine has evolved since the days when she gobbled down dumplings and kebabs alongside her beloved father. For Ilham, food was always associated with a sense of home and the happiness one derived from it. That changed after she left China for the United States in 2013, and her relationship with food was further transformed in 2014, when her father was arrested back in China and later sentenced to life in prison on charges of “separatism.” The 55-year-old is now considered among the highest-profile Uyghur political prisoners. Ilham hasn’t received any updates on his status since 2017. 

Food, especially Uyghur cooking, still makes Ilham happy, she tells me. But while it makes her feel closer to her father, it also reminds her that they are now worlds apart. Eating is when his absence is most painful, she laments. After several years in exile, the aromas and tastes that Ilham grew up savoring now serve to evoke deep sorrow, underscoring her father’s imprisonment and the fact that she can’t return to her homeland because of the political situation. “I feel guilty for enjoying food,” she says. 

It’s a phenomenon that other members of the Uyghur diaspora say they’ve experienced: joy turning into sorrow, the private mourning of a nation that feels like a lump in the throat.

The exiled Uyghur journalist Gulchehra Hoja knows this feeling all too well. Hoja left Xinjiang and moved to the U.S. in 2001. Her mother still lives in Xinjiang, and Hoja feels her absence most profoundly when she’s cooking in the kitchen. “The memories come back to me every time, mixed with joy and happiness and sadness, together,” she says. “Missing our family. Food does very unique stuff with our memories.” 

Xinjiang was once a key region along the ancient Silk Road trade route. Today’s Uyghur cuisine combines a variety of ingredients and techniques from the Middle East, Turkey, Central Asia and China. “You cannot make Uyghur food with a machine. It has to be handmade,” Ilham says. 

Laghman — chewy, hand-pulled noodles topped with stir-fried meat and vegetables — is perhaps the most famous Uyghur dish. Lamb rice pilaf, known as polo, is also popular. 

Hamid Kerim, the owner of Dolan Uyghur Restaurant in Washington, told me how he often thinks back to having dinner with his big family growing up in the city of Ghulja. “When I see a big plate of polo, I remember when we were six brothers and sisters, my dad and my mom. Beautiful time,” he recalled. One of his brothers is currently imprisoned in the Chinese government’s network of arbitrary detention centers in Xinjiang. 

Other classic dishes include chopped fried soman, which are finely cut noodles stir-fried with meat and vegetables; chicken or lamb kebabs; pumpkin dumplings; eggplant salad; spicy cold skin noodles called rangpiza and oven-baked buns, known as samsa, that are filled with vegetables and lamb or beef. 

Even in the diaspora, Uyghur food is a reminder of the abuses taking place back in Xinjiang, Ilham says. She cites the example of tomatoes, which are an important component in many Uyghur dishes. 

Xinjiang produces about one-quarter of the world’s tomatoes. But rights groups say the industry is tainted by forced Uyghur labor. In 2021, the U.S. government banned the import of all Xinjiang tomatoes over forced labor concerns. 

Since her father’s detention, Ilham says there have been a few occasions when food has made her cry because it evoked painfully vivid memories of her father. Once, she ate a meal of dumplings filled with beef, carrots and onion that tasted exactly like the ones her father used to make. Ilham didn’t want to cry, she says, but the tears came down anyway. “It felt too familiar. It felt like something that I can’t have,” she says. “It wasn’t the same chef that I wished it was.” 

A similar instance happened at an Uyghur restaurant in Munich, Germany, that reminded her of the last trip she took with her father around Xinjiang. The kebabs “tasted exactly the same — the texture, the size. Even how dirty the restaurant was,” she told New Lines. “I was quiet the whole time when I was eating, because I didn’t have words to express it. I was shaking.” 

There was a period when Ilham even turned to food in order to push down those feelings of sadness, overeating to the point of inducing vomiting. “I realized this was not the right approach,” she says. When looking for a peaceful sense of home, she adds, “Food is very good, but it’s not always going to work.”

Uyghurs are among the few groups in the world who can’t return to their homeland and are, for the foreseeable future, separated from their family members who are left behind. Beijing’s reported abuses in the region include detaining Uyghurs en masse and forcibly sterilizing Uyghur women. As part of the Chinese government’s campaign to forcibly assimilate Uyghurs into the dominant Han group, Beijing has outlawed some cultural practices outright and turned others into mere tourist attractions. 

Uyghurs in the diaspora are particularly concerned about keeping their culture alive for their children. “For my kids, I am sad they cannot taste their grandma’s food,” Hoja says. “So I’m doing my best to teach them about our food and Uyghur culture.” 

What’s happening in Xinjiang means it’s even more important for Uyghurs to assert their identity in the diaspora, Ilham says, including through food. Uyghur restaurants are the closest that members of the diaspora can get to a taste of home. 

“For a community whose culture is slowly being erased, you want to find a place where it’s not only existing but also thriving,” Ilham says. Restaurants, she adds, are “actively helping preserve that culture.” 

In Bostan, the walls are painted the same blue as the East Turkestan flag. As in most Uyghur restaurants, a tapestry of Ghazi Ehmet’s iconic 1984 painting “Muqam,” which depicts Uyghurs playing traditional music, hangs on one wall. So, too, do Uyghur instruments and the traditional skullcaps called doppas. 

In addition to educating non-Uyghurs about Uyghur culture, Kerim says that restaurants like his also serve as a place for Uyghurs to gather and, in some cases, commiserate about their shared grief. “This is like a medicinal practice,” he says. 

When Ilham left China over a decade ago, she didn’t really know how to make anything besides salad. But a Uyghur journalist with Radio Free Asia, who had interviewed her father, traveled to Indiana to help Ilham learn how to make dishes like polo. 

“I started having an obsession with it,” Ilham said, to the point that she even considered opening a restaurant herself. For the past several years, she has focused on improving her skills to prepare for what she hopes will be the inevitable day that she finally cooks for her father. 

Ilham, whose name means inspiration, says she plans to cook laghman and polo, plus a third dish that is considered particularly challenging: a pasta soup called narin. 

Ilham admits she still struggles to make that dish well and jokes that her father will make fun of her attempt at it. “He’s going to say, ‘You had many years,’” she says. She holds tightly to that hope. 

Recipes:

Provided by Gulchehra Hoja

Samsa 

Ingredients for dough:

3 cups of flour

1 stick of softened butter 

1 teaspoon of salt

1/2 cup of water

2 eggs

4 tablespoons of yogurt

Ingredients for filling:

3-3 1/2 pounds of lamb, with fat

1 large onion

1 medium-sized potato

Spices (2 teaspoons salt, 2 teaspoons cumin, 1 teaspoon dried chili powder, 1 teaspoon black pepper)

Finishing:

1 egg for egg wash

1 teaspoon black sesame seeds

2 teaspoons white sesame seeds

Directions:

Mix the dough ingredients and knead until smooth and similar in firmness to pizza dough.

Cover the dough and leave to rest while starting on the filling.

Dice the lamb into small cubes the size of corn. Dice the onions and potatoes as well. Then mix along with the spices.

Divide the dough into "golf ball" sized pieces and roll to flatten out. Fill each with one tablespoon of meat filling.

Close the pastry in half and secure by pinching inward.

Lay on a tray spaced 1 inch apart, brush with egg wash and sprinkle with the sesame seeds.

Bake at 420 degrees Fahrenheit for 30 minutes on the middle rack of the oven.

Allow to cool for five minutes and serve with hot tea.

Polo

Ingredients:

3 cups of rice

5-6 medium-sized carrots

1 cup of olive oil

3 pounds of beef or lamb, slightly fatty

2 onions

1 cup of water

1 tablespoon salt

1/2 tablespoon cumin

Wash the rice three times and cut the meat into fist-sized portions. Prepare and peel the carrots and onions, then cut the carrots into crayon-sized chunks.

Start by cooking the meat. Heat the oil and, keeping the temperature high, let the meat cook for five minutes and brown. Then add the onions and cook for an additional five minutes.

Then add the carrots. Toss around the mixture in the pot and let it cook for another seven-10 minutes. Add water, reduce the heat to low and let it simmer for another 10-20 minutes.

Remove the meat only, place it aside and add rice.

Make sure the water covers the rice completely by at least 1 inch, adding more water if necessary (not too much though). After adding the rice, cook on medium heat until the rice has absorbed the water. Do not mix the pot. 

Add the meat once the water has evaporated and turn to low heat to cook for 35-40 minutes.

Before serving, cut the meat into bite-size pieces. Then, mix the rice and carrots and place on a large dish with the meat chunks on top.

Serve with pickled vegetables and salads.

Enjoy!

The post For the Uyghur Diaspora, the Taste of Home Brings Both Joy and Sorrow appeared first on New Lines Magazine.

Meet Courtney Palmer: Housewife, aspiring TikTok influencer, and self-proclaimed princess. She’s the face behind “Princess Treatment,” a newly viral, hyper-feminine philosophy that’s equal parts self-care, submissiveness, and delusion.

Her five minutes of fame began June 21, when she posted a nearly six-minute TikTok detailing how she (a “princess”) does not speak or even look at waitstaff while dining out.

“If I am at a restaurant with my husband, I do not talk to the hostess, I do not open any doors, and I do not order my own food,” she explains. Apparently, eye contact is masculine, and princesses don’t acknowledge service workers. “It’s not in any sense like, you’re better than the hostess, you’re just letting your husband lead, and be masculine.”

Naturally, the algorithm popped off, pushing the video to a whopping 6.4 million views. Cue the comments: “This isn’t princess treatment. This is hostage treatment,” wrote one user. “Are you okay???” wrote another.

People began duetting the video, many role-playing as the hostess who has to deal with her. She even scored the nickname “Princess Collarbone” for the way she dramatically pops her collarbone on camera. Palmer told The New York Times that the response to her TikTok had been “blindsiding.” My first reaction? Oh, great. Another wannabe-trad-wife being platformed by this godforsaken app. But what I uncovered after a deep psychological dive was far more disheartening.

Her magnum opus is a 29-part TikTok playlist titled “Princess Treatment,” a compilation of rambling monologues in which she defends her thesis and instructs women how to methodically manipulate their man into buying them Chanel flats.

The earliest video in the playlist was posted on February 14, but from there, the videos, which are labeled Part 1-29, are not in chronological order. Confusing, but she’s a princess, and we are her mere subjects. Regardless of when the videos were posted, they all feature bold proclamations on what it means to be a proper princess (aka 1950s housewife), eventually culminating in the now-infamous “don’t make eye contact with your server” hot take. And if you think I watched all 29 videos? You’re absolutely right.

The guide starts off surprisingly reasonable:

Part 1: Learn How You Talk About Yourself

“How you talk about yourself out loud to him, it matters. How you value yourself, how you value your space. It all matters,” Palmer explained in a video titled “Princess Treatment 101: Step One.” Negative self-talk? Keep it to yourself! A princess doesn’t have insecurities! OK, you can’t really argue with that.

She further states that if your man hears you speaking poorly about yourself, he’ll subconsciously start to follow your lead, and explains how to subtly stroke your man’s ego, reinforcing the behaviors you want him to repeat. “Thank you so much for picking up your underwear. I love when you pick up your underwear.” Is this woman Pavlov’s Dog-ing her husband? If so, I’m down.

---

Part 3: Emotional Regulation

Jumping now to Part 3, which was posted on March 11 (whereas Part 2 was posted on March 26, see what I mean?). “Say what you need to say, and then be unbothered,” Palmer says in a video titled “unbothered energy.” Princesses are calm and composed. She then adds that if you let emotions fester, they will eventually come to the surface, and then you will act out. Acting out is not princess-like.

---

Part 4: Repeat Your Daily Mantras

So, this is where the guide really starts to lose its grip on reality. “I can see abundance in others’ TikTok following, therefore I know abundance exists,” Palmer repeats, while sitting in her Range Rover. (Bonus points if you repeat your mantras while wearing a Red Light Therapy LED face mask.)

Then she reveals how she manifested herself that Range Rover as well as a Birkin, and argues that you need to actually go to the dealership or the Hermes to touch the items in order to create a physical manifestin. I’m living for the delusion, so I’ll keep listening.

---

Part 5: Dress For the Character You Want to Play

“Don’t just wear a dirty t-shirt and dirty shorts,” she says in a video captioned “Dress for the part” while wearing a black long-sleeved shirt and matching headband (very First Lady–era Hillary Clinton).

I look down at my attire: Oh, God.

---

Part 6: You Can Cry, But Don’t Yell

On March 22nd, she explains an argument she recently had with her husband, and how no matter how upset she got, she never allowed herself to become hysterical: “I was never screaming. I was never lashing out. I was never physically attacking him.” She then nervously laughs as tears well up in her eyes and vacantly stares past the camera. Or, at least, that’s what I took away from this video. Courtney? Are you still there?

She regains consciousness and goes on with her lesson, concluding that yelling=masculine, and crying=feminine. Bottom line, always be feminine. Simple.

---

Part 7: Make Him Open the Pickle Jar

Remember Pavlov’s Dogs! By making the man open the jar, you are reinforcing the behavior that he provides for you. Don’t allow yourself to be independent, because then you will take away his urge to be masculine. You’ll eventually be rewarded with becoming a stay-at-home mom, which is the ultimate goal. (Not stressing about work=no wrinkles=princess face).

---

Part 8: Flowers and Nails

Flowers are always in a vase. Nails are always done. She mentions that her husband usually buys her flowers, but it’s unclear if he’s expected to pay for her nails. Paying for your own nails? OK, girlboss!

---

Part 9: How to Make Your Husband Buy You Stuff When He Has to Travel for Work 

What’s a princess to do if your husband has been spending more time away than usual? Sometimes up to three weeks at a time? Or if it seems like every other week, he’s away on business.

Courtney prefaces this part by saying that her best friend gave her the idea (princesses stick together!), and says that if her husband’s been gone a while, she’ll ask, “I would love to see how you’re going to pay me back for all the extra labor I’ve been doing.”

Enter: The Chanel flats. Good job, husband!

---

Part 10: MORE Self Care

Lemon water, cuticle oil, a face mask—Palmer, in this eight-minute-long ramble, details how to maintain Princess Treatment as a young mother. You’re overworked, and your husband can’t even come home to dinner on time. The solve??????: Self-care. Let him witness how much you value self-care, thereby demonstrating your worth.

Now, the two of you don’t even spend time together. He watches TV while you exfoliate in silence.

---

Parts 11-29: You No Longer Make Eye Contact, Not With the Waiter, Not With Your Reflection. You Fear That if Someone Looks Too Closely, They’ll Look Back and See the Hollowed-Out Shell of a Woman Held Together by Lemon Water and a Birkin. Or Worse, They Won’t See You at All, Just Like Your Husband Doesn’t. 

Congrats, you’re a princess.

---

At first, I thought I was watching a woman’s self-love journey spiral into an engagement-fueled TikTok storm. But after studying Courtney’s sunken eyes for the better part of an hour, I can only conclude that this woman’s marriage sounds deeply broken. Her obsession with princess treatment feels less like a lifestyle and more like a coping mechanism dressed up as a dopamine-fueled content strategy. My prediction in two years: How to maintain femininity while suing for full custody.

If this is what being a princess is, I’ll keep talking to my server, thanks.

---

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